The Authentic Dating Club » Lifestyle

Unconscious vs. Conscious Monogamy

Terrance Thames — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 19:34:33 +0000

Is it harder for people to remain monogamous after becoming highly successful with attracting the opposite sex? I have to say this is a tough one to answer. I imagine that when I state my case, this might strike a healthy dose of a friendly debating. Again I can only answer from experience as a man who has become happy with my abilities with women. I got an email from another female dating coach asking me questions about the seduction community. She asked some very interesting questions and made some great insights. One that sparked my thoughts into this topic was her stating how she could imagine difficult it could be for a guy who has developed a talent for picking up women to not cheat when he’s out with his buddies and drinking. At the time when she said this I had not been in a monogamous relationship in well over a year. So I related it to fighting. I have been a competitive fighter for years and have yet to succumb to being provoked in to a street fight, even though I love to fight, in over 13 years. I told her that my self control allowed me to walk away. At the time I thought that was a sound argument. But I was wrong. The difference that I had not accounted for was a concept that I call being unconsciously monogamous vs. consciously monogamous. Let me explain.

When most people are younger we are taught that the institution of marriage is the ultimate form of intimacy and that’s what we all need to strive for. So as we are growing up we practice by having boyfriends and girlfriends and hone our skills at commitment and get all of our play time and experimentation out of the way because, of course, if we are ever going to be happy we have to be able to have successful marriages. So when we are in these relationships we look to the other person as a consistent supply of emotional security in general for women and sex for men. Well generally when we are younger we usually have a tough time consistently getting sex and emotional connections from the opposite sex. So when we actually get it we try to hang on to it as long as we can because we don’t know when or if we will ever find it again. When men have not developed a strong talent for attracting women consistently, they tend to conform society’s norms of monogamy because they look at it as a way to consistently have sex with minimal efforts on our part. Of course our emotions become attached because we like the girl. However, the lack the confidence or belief that we can as men consistently get laid if we want to holds us back too. This scarcity mindset in itself is both a reason to stay in a committed relationship and to cheat. A reason to stay because of a belief that you don’t think you will be able to achieve what you have consistently already. Its a reason to cheat because of a belief that you can’t pass up on any opportunity because you never know when it will happen again from another person outside of the relationship. I call this Unconscious monogamy because of our unconscious ability to create whatever we want to. Whether it is creating a one night stand with ease or as a woman to be able to attract anyone she wants with ease.

But what if you didn’t have a scarcity mindset? What if you instead had an abundance mindset and believed that you can consistently create whatever you wanted when you wanted it? How would that affect your ability to remain monogamous?

If in a way a scarcity mindset is a means to keep you in a relationship then what happens when that is taken out of the equation? Well…I gotta tell you it’s way more difficult than walking away from a fight. That’s for sure! You no longer have the mindset that you have to stay in a monogamous relationship because you don’t believe you can’t get something else as good if not better than what you have if things go downhill. You aren’t afraid to walk away. For that person it gets much more difficult. If you see someone that you are attracted to and a connection is created what is stopping you from making it happen? When I was put in that situation I would always check in to see what it was that was holding me back. What I personally noticed was obligation, love, and a lot of willpower. There was no longer fear of not ever finding someone that was as good as the person that I was with currently. So the urge was much stronger. What stopped me was my commitment to my girl and the fact that I didn’t need the other person. There is a huge difference here between want and need. The obligation to the commitment is what stopped me from going for what I wanted and to me that felt restrictive to my nature. So I had to be consciously monogamous at this point. Some would say that love alone would curb this urge that compels up to continue to form deep sexual/emotional connections with the opposite sex and if it is true for them then that is great. However, if we look beyond the traditional way of society, I believe for the greater masses there is going to be a level of obligation, which would lead to resentment of the other person.

This begs the question that I will leave to you to consider. Do you believe that monogamy or marriage the ultimate form of intimacy or is it just a niche of a plethora of other types of relationships we can ultimately truly be happy in? More to come on this topic

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Technorati Tags: committment, confidence, marriage, men, monogamous, relationship, Relationships, Seduction, sex, women

What Do You Want?

Terrance Thames — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 03:39:44 +0000

Well this is a post motivated from a good friend named Sonja, but in reality I have been experimenting with this for quite a while now; since about May of this year. This is my experience with the application of chivalry in my interactions with women. Most of my life I have always considered myself as a nice guy. When I was younger this nice-ness became very beneficial to have an abundance of female friends, but a detriment to my ability to attract and keep women sexually. As I got older my reputation with men grew more important to me as social pressure started to shape my ego and personality, but my reputation with women remained important as well. So through college I remained respectful towards women and also started going after what I wanted sexually more and created a lot of wonderful sexual experiences. However, this process rarely included chivalry and an extreme respect of boundaries that women put in front of me.

So after becoming an active member of Rori’s blog I became aware of how sought after this quality was from the women on there. So I decided to see what kind of effect it would have on my interactions with women for me to become very consciously chivalrous with both women and people in general. I got some interesting results.

Important disclaimer: If anybody decides to do this, which I do recommend, there is a fine line of how to do it. You need to do it from a place of not wanting anything in return for acting this way. You have to do it because you really want to do it for yourself not for anybody else. But pay attention to your feelings. If you start to harbor feelings of resentment for not getting anything in return other than appreciation, then you know that you are doing this for the wrong reasons and women will sense this act accordingly. Otherwise you are effectively screening out women who don’t show appreciation for your actions. This was my experience, anyways.

These are the chivalrous acts that I would do for women:

Opening doors- any kind of doors

Walking on the outside of a women on the sidewalk or in front of traffic

Ordering for women at restaurants after figuring out what they want

Testing wine at dinner

Pulling out chairs and tucking them in

Pressing the floor button on elevator for a woman

Dropping off at their front door and waiting for them to get in before leaving

If eating sushi, breaking apart the chopsticks and smoothing them out for her

And here are my results:

When I was chivalrous, I made a lot of really strong connections. I was able to build some strong attraction and sexual tension. If I was able to create a strong connection and sexual attraction in the past, I was able to easily move it to the bedroom whenever I felt the time was right. Ironically when I practiced this, it made it more difficult for me to actually move the interaction where I wanted it to go when I wanted to move it. It would also typically take much longer for sex to occur. And that was OK because the interactions were actually extremely enjoyable. Something about me being chivalrous made a woman’s boundaries much stronger. I can only guess why, but if I were to make an educated guess, I would say that it was because I showed so much respect, and they were not afraid to tell me what they really wanted; also, there was such a strong connection that they didn’t want to screw it up by having sex and me potentially losing interest before I invested myself a little more. Also, I believe that maybe by being more chivalrous, I was actually not pushing their boundaries as I normally would. That was really interesting to me since I figured that it would be the opposite. I was able to screen way better here as well. The women often wanted to be the girlfriend/wife, not the passionate fling, one night stand, or casual partner.

If I took the majority of the chivalry out of the equation with the exception of just being nice and respectable (if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be authentic with myself) it was actually easier for me to create very sexually charged interactions with women and it happened much faster than if I was chivalrous. I could make strong connections but they weren’t as deep as if I was chivalrous; still very enjoyable but in a different way. I could lead the interaction to embody whatever type of relationship I chose, but had much more trouble at screening women.

From my experience I took the following:

-To me chivalry is a form of investment. Most women are extremely attracted to it because it embodies your ability as a man to provide security and protection.

-Some women look and screen for that up front and will actually not be attracted to you if you don’t display a certain “level” of chivalry right away. That “level” is relative to each woman.

-This can be used as a screening tool for both men and women if used correctly. Men can use it as a means to screen for a woman that appreciates them or simply just expect this treatment without acknowledgement. For me, the latter made me feel as though she had too strong of a sense of entitlement and I would respond by having feelings of resentment and lack of appreciation. Women can use this as a means to screen guys who don’t want what you want in a relationship, whatever it may be.

-Women that reponded well to chivalry did not always equal a higher level of self-esteem, although it is more likely than not. I have met plenty of women that responded well to chivalry that I felt to be very insecure and vice-versa. At first I thought chivalry was only expected by women that had a much higher level of self-esteem. I don’t think that is the case anymore as I saw both here. I need to examine this a little more.

-It is just as easy to be put in the friend zone when you are overly chivalrous than when you are inconsiderate. There is a balance here as with all things. If you are overly chivalrous then it can come off as inauthentic and therefore make you look like you are needy or have a hidden agenda. If you are inconsiderate…well this one’s obvious. A healthy balance is key for me. I do it when I am inspired to do it and that’s it. Any more would be overkill.

-It varies drastically what some women perceive as chivalrous behavior versus others. Also, there is often a blend between what I would believe to be chivalry and what I would consider behaviors aimed at trying to impress women. Some of them seemed like pet peeves for particular women. Out of curiosity I asked several women what chivalry meant to them and the answers ranged from the usual stuff like opening up doors, being a knight in shining armor, and paying for meals to cleaning out your car and calling instead of texting for particular situations. Talk about a wide range! This showed me that there is even confusion among women about what chivalry really is.

In conclusion, I don’t feel that chivalry is dead by any means, but too much or too little can definitely effect the relationship/interaction for better or for worse. If you learn to be chivalrous only if you are doing it for yourself and not to please her then that’s the healthy balance that you are looking for. For some this might be a lot of chivalrous behavior while for others it may not be at all. Whatever feels right for you is what you should do, after trying everything out of course.

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Technorati Tags: appreciation, Attraction, chivalrous, chivalry, connections, men, relation, relationship, screening, sex, sexual attraction, sexual tension, strong, treatment, women

Is it beneficial for women to circular date only men who don’t circular date?

Terrance Thames — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 02:51:08 +0000

This one is more for the women than the men, but men should read this in case they get put in this situation. For those of you who don’t know, the concept of circular dating is when you basically date multiple people with the idea that eventually somebody will step up and demand your attention consistenly enough to take you off the market. Women do it to not get too attached while trying to find a monogamous partner. Guys do it to to keep our options open. In essense to maintain a sense of freedom while dating.

Before I knew of this term I would just consider this dating around or casually dating and I first heard it on Rori’s blog. I noticed that a lot of the women were being taught to only date men who were not circular dating themselves. My first reaction was “This isn’t fair, I would never go along with a woman being allowed to date other men while I was not.” To me that is the female version of polygamy. I read further and asked questions about why they would advocate that and what I got was that they only want guys who would marry them and do it quick as possible.

Here was Miss Mercedes’ take on it: “If a guy is seeing lots of women, he’s not looking to marry anytime soon. However, if he’s not interested in other women but seriously wants your time, you have a better chance with him. So you date men who are not dating other women. The man who wants all of your time will ask so often you eventually won’t have time for other men either. He will be stepping up. He will be taking you off the market and when he’s ready, he’ll propose. Until that man steps up, you keep dating. You remove guys from your rotation who aren’t interested in you and you alone.”

She also said this: “A lot of Rori’s teaching works really, really well with men who are either introverted or who have low self-esteem. That said it would absolutely not work with a strong, confident man.”

Now I don’t see problem with women looking for guys that want to eventually be married. If thats what you want to create then thats great. Additionally, I don’t see an issue with women wanting a guy to only date you and nobody else either. That’s understandable from the perspective of wanting to get married quickly. Where I see an issue is only allowing a man to date one woman while she goes and dates other men.

I understand why women would want to do that, but in my opinion that doesn’t help their cause, because they would generally be dating men that have a lower level of self-confidence than someone that was dating several women. I say generally because there are some men who want to get married and settle down and are tired of putting the effort into dating more than one woman. Typically those guys are dating more than one girl and will be more likely to cut down to one as soon as possible. So these guys wouldn’t be in that pool of guys that would go along with it either.

It doesn’t help a guy’s self-confidence either. A lot of times that would aid to a needy vibe that he may put off because he has no other options for women around him. He will become extremely invested very quickly in women, which will turn women off and then he is left with nothing; or he may act like he’s not needy and act unavailable which comes off as inauthentic and women lose attraction for him as well. All in all usually a bad cycle for him to be in. Men in this scenario tend to have a scarcity mindset. In other words they do not yet believe that they can attract anybody or anything in life that they want. They don’t feel like they can create the relationship or life that they want so they settle.

To guys that have a higher level of self-confidence, this model of dating just would not be acceptable by most standards. He would either already be dating and may want to settle down, in which case he would except nothing less than for the woman to only be dating him as well or he would be dating other women at the same time. There would be no reason for him to stop dating other women regardless of if he really liked her and wanted to commit or not if she’s dating other men. And, this is if monogamy is really what he wants. I don’t really see any other way around it. Even if I really wanted a mongamous relationship (which right now i’m convinced that I don’t) with a woman that I really cared for and wanted to settle down and she told me that she was seeing other people until I step up and propose: I don’t care how she said it, I wouldn’t go for it.

However, if monogamy is what you are looking for there is a slight modification to this model that I feel would improve the chances of two people with much higher self-confidence/esteem meeting, connecting, and settle down together much more happily. That is simply allowing for both partners to date other people with no resentment or jealousy. That helps both parties have an abundance mentality. They both have options and they CHOOSE to be with each other. Not one having options while the other seems to be almost trapped. Thats what I would feel like anyway. This goes both ways, unless both partners are fully open and ok with polygamy (not polyamory) then you should not force anybody into it.

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"The Masculine problem"

Terrance Thames — Mon, 07 Sep 2009 19:27:00 +0000

Here is an article written by Stephen Nash. His thoughts are very inspiriing to me and a number of men learning to become men. I love reading his articles but this one, to me, is a masterpiece. There are 2 parts to this. A lot of how I teach is conveyed in this beautifully written article. He is spot on with whats wrong with the PUA/seduction community. Let me know what you think

http://www.datingsecretsformen.com/2009/08/24/the-feminism-problem-part-i/

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A Modern Day Clash of the Titans

Terrance Thames — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:07:00 +0000

So I rescued an especially feisty kitten for a pet about 10 years ago. I think feisty might actually be an understatement, but that is what drew me to adopt her. I have grown quite fond of her over the years. She is my goddess and I love her dearly. She doesn’t let anyone near her unless she gets to know them and they respect her. I’m in a position now, where I was going to move in with a good friend. My friend has an extremely playful and friendly 75lb pit bull. Before I move in with him, I had to make sure that my cat and his dog got along. Jack is the dog’s name and Yoda is my cat’s name.

I showed up with Yoda in her carrying bag. She’s an indoor cat so she is not in the best mood. Immediately, Jack was curious and excited. Yoda was surprised and responded with her mini roar (hiss). Jack didn’t care. He knew what he wanted and was focused. I knew this was going to be a rough meeting. We calmed Jack down and made him lay down on the other side of the room. In the meantime, I let Yoda get out of her bag and find her ground where she felt she could make the most strategic move. She knew from the size of Jack that this was not going to be easy. She has never backed down in her life and she isn’t planning on starting now. She staked her claim behind a chair on the other side of the room. We then brought Jack over holding him to make sure nothing happened drastic. We moved the chair to allow them to get close while holding Jack. Jack saw an opportunity and executed a lunge forward towards her, invading her space. Yoda, while having an opportunity to run, stood her ground and smacked Jack in the face. Jack, unfazed, kept coming into Yoda’s space, and every time he did he got a vicious smack.

After meeting strong resistance from Yoda, Jack began to try to find other ways to invade her space. He tried to attack from the back of the chair. Yoda found strategic ground that forced Jack to come straight at her or give up. Jack by this point was trembling with excitement because he finally found an adversary worthy of his full attention. He went over to the TV, but he could only stick his head behind the TV. Jack tried to negotiate a surrender by way of barking and trying to get close to her, however every time he got too close and ignored Yoda’s growls, he got smacked. She would not negotiate with him. This happened for about 15 minutes until every time he got smacked he started to blink, not from fear, but I believe from respect. That didn’t break his focus. He was to determined and curious that he had to continue his quest to play with her. Again, Jack got another advantageous break. We moved the TV so that Jack could completely get behind on both sides. With no restraints and no restrictions Jack thought that he had her. Yoda, again did not run. Instead, she performed flawlessly. She smacked him with every violation. Finally, Jack was broken and admitted defeat. He started to lay down every time she smacked him and when he tried to go around to get behind her, he would actually let out a small yelp as a warning that he was coming. She was then able to turn around quicker, but Jack was learning to respect her boundaries because he would stop just short of her reach and just laid his head down next to her. She was now inside his head. She began to stop smacking him as much, just a growl. She started to trust him more. Eventually they were nuzzling noses with no restraints and no boundaries.

This story, rather comedic, has a rather important lesson it in it. For Yoda, her boundaries were put in place and she stood by them because her LIFE depended on it. She never wavered from them. Once Jack earned her trust, she was willing to surrender to him. For women, I offer this story so that if you get into a situation with another person to remember this story and treat your boundaries like Yoda did and treat them as if your life depended on it.

As for Jack, he didn’t know her boundaries, but was fearless in pursuing her. He was unwaivered in his purpose. You normally will not know a woman’s boundaries up front. You have to test them to see if they are there. If they are there figure out what they are. It took him a while, but he learned to respect her boundaries and only then did he get what he desired, a playful partner. In this case, Jack got a lot of chances to actually listen and learn her boundaries. In reality, you will rarely get this many chances to to the same. The fact that she stood her ground excited him so much that he was literally quivering with excitement. Personally for me, I love it when women have boundaries and stand up for themselves. It gives me a challenge and lets me know that they value themselves more than they value my opinion of them. It gives me something to go for that is of greater value.

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