Approaching from a Woman’s perspective

So yesterday morning I got an email from Rori Raye, a female dating coach and owner of http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/ A huge blog dedicated to women learning how to be more feminine and taking control of their lives. About 98% of the posters on this blog are women and only a few men. Before I get into the email let’s just say that it is great practice for any man to get on there and post because it can be a VERY tough crowd at times. It is great for learning how to deal with a woman’s emotions and developing your own intuition, which is extremely important for building deep connections with not just women, but everyone. I have personally already seen a vast improvement in this area.

Anyways this is what she sent me:

Terrance, this is very helpful…would you like to put together a post for us about how to approach a shy man without leaning forward or being invested? I’ll post it as a guest post…just email it to me here.

Rori

So I wrote her my thoughts which I will show next which is up currently on her blog. So you can tune in to her page to get involved with the conversation. Over here, however I am going to attempt to tie everything into how men can be able to pick up on these subtle signs and hopefully elevate some social pressure in the process.

Rori,

This should be interesting since I am usually coaching guys on how to approach women since women tend to not physically walk up to a man. I have never done it from the other way around. So I will start by referring to how guys approach and then relate it to how maybe we can minimize the leaning forward from women.When guys approach typically they incur the majority of the risk of rejection from the interaction. They have to put themselves out there. However, in my opinion, I believe that women approach WAY more than men do already. Probably at a 90/10 split. They just do it very subtlety. And they don’t do it by walking up. My definition of an approach is a little different from most guys. Men just generally aren’t present enough to be aware of these approaches or maybe approach invitations.

I feel that being shy is a function of something internally stopping them from being themselves. I feel this is a fear based action. To me, this is evident from people, in general, being able to warm up out of their shyness and into their true selves. This seems to be a process of trusting that the environment that they are in or the people that are around provide a safe environment capable of holding their true selves without judgment. I explain this so that maybe if women can understand the process of why this occurs we can come up with some ways to help to build that trust while putting in minimum investment and leaning forward. I don’t necessarily believe that this can be an investment free/leaning back void process because even positive body language and smiling requires some investment/energy as little as it is. So let’s get into what women can do to approach while minimally investing. These are in order of least investment to most investment.

1. Positive body language- Obviously the most natural form of approaching and the least invested that you can get. This will be the core of this post. The most obvious form would be a smile and a long gaze (2-5 seconds). Any less than that would not be enough to let the typical guy know that it is ok to approach. I would look away first then LOOK BACK. Any time I see a woman look back at me after holding a gaze, I know, that I should approach, if I’m interested. I have trained myself that if a woman looks at me for 2 seconds, I ASSUME attraction is there and at least go meet her. I am not shy though. As guys get more confident in approaching they won’t need the look back for them to approach. I believe that shy guys need this.

2. Wear something conversation worthy- If you want more guys in general to approach you (not just shy guys) then wear something that allows space for a man to comment or compliment you on it. Most shy guys are shy generally because they just don’t know what to say to women even if they do get the courage to approach. If they have something to say or talk about then the likely hood of him approaching is much higher. Synergistically this works well in compliment with body language and presence (displaying your femininity) to draw men into you.

3. Positioning- If you don’t want to walk up to him. Position yourself BY HIM. You are not actually approaching him but it will be easier for a shy guy to start a conversation if you are physically around him to begin with. You can experiment with combining using your body language (playing with hair, crossing legs towards him, exposing of the neck, etc…) and eye contact with being around him for a much more synergistic effect. A lot of times when I am out and I make eye contact with a woman in one area and I go about my business and then notice a few minutes later she is really close in my proximity or all of a sudden brushes up against me, I ASSUME attraction and approach, if I’m interested. This is amplified with positive body language.

4. Situational or Help approaching- This in my opinion seems to be the most invested you can become without it feeling masculine to me. If you are asking about something that involves your surroundings or asking for help (don’t go overboard with this)…then I have no reason to feel that you are over-invested. (I.e…”Do you have the time?”). Again while doing this make sure your body language is open to them.

5. Just saying Hi- This is equal to #4 as the most invested you should have to go without questioning a shy guy’s masculine presence or attractiveness to you. By this point you have done all you can do and it is up to him to sink or swim.

Shy guys are generally good guys that miss a lot of opportunities to meet women due to their lack of will/ability to approach women. I feel that women miss opportunities of meeting these good guys because they are more sensitive to rejection and it doesn’t feel natural for them to approach a guy. To me both lose here.

For some women this is a weed out process for guys that are less aggressive/dominant in a social environment. I have heard this quite a bit on this blog. At the same time they worry if they are going to end up another notch on someone’s bedpost. I can respect this and personally I find it not all that attractive when a woman approaches me too aggressively. I find that if a woman approaches me depending on the approach I think “That’s kinda cute she’s trying to be a guy right now” I don’t think it really affects my overall attractiveness towards her, but it definitely feels masculine to me. If it feels masculine to me then it probably will to you as well. The only way it doesn’t feel somewhat masculine is if they are asking for help, (I always take it “They are asking me to lead them”) asking about something in the environment. There is something in me that craves being able to pick up on these subtle cues and going and getting what I want. I think that because when I do get what I want it is much more satisfying that way.

All this being said, be cautious of these few things

1. This will not always work with getting shy guys to approach and engage you. The fear of approaching and being rejected can be crippling as a result they still will not invest in the interaction. This is out of your control and is NOT because of you as a woman. This is an internal problem that needs to be worked out with them and not you.

2. They may NOT always be attracted to you- I mentioned a lot above about assumed attraction. It is just that…assumed. It’s what I use to get over anxiety of possibly being rejected. The reality is that everybody gets rejected. Even if body language seems inviting it may be a miss cue. I relate it to playing black jack. You can only play the odds and trust that you are making the right educated decision. I am not afraid to be wrong and that gives me confidence. The more outcome independency you have, the more this part will not affect you.

Ok, So the fact that she asked me to write a post about approaching shy guys means to me that women want you to so badly approach them that they are willing to seek out ways to help MEN have an easier time with understanding when it is ok for them to approach them.

So the question is: To the men how would you respond to any of these approaches mentioned above? Would you start to immediately lead the conversation? OR Would you even notice that they are approaching you?

Well first things first. You have to been able to first recognize that they are present first. What are some ways to do that?

1. Slow things down- I’m sure that you have heard that before. It may be hard at first but by trying to slow down your speech, how you move, and intensify your listening, you will be more able to notice when a woman is trying to get you to notice her.

2. Focus on your breathing-I do this everywhere I go and I do it as often as I can remember. When you do this the chatter in your head stops and you become much more acutely aware of your surroundings and the women that are in it.

3. Risk failure-if your intuition tells you that a woman is approaching you or wanting you to spproach, APPROACH. Even if you fail, your intuition will grow and you will be able to eventually, more skillfully, be able to recognize these female approaches.

I will leave with a video of what not to do on pretty much all levels but its pretty funny

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D0555EtAZ4