Helping people to connect with themselves so that they can connect better with others

Is it harder for people to remain monogamous after becoming highly successful with attracting the opposite sex? I have to say this is a tough one  to answer. I imagine that when I state my case, this might strike a healthy dose of a friendly debating. Again I can only answer from experience as a man who has become happy with my abilities with women. I got an email from another female dating coach asking me questions about the seduction community. She asked some very interesting questions and made some great insights. One that sparked my thoughts into this topic was her stating how she could imagine difficult it could be for a guy who has developed a talent for picking up women to not cheat when he’s out with his buddies and drinking. At the time when she said this I had not been in a monogamous relationship in well over a year. So I related it to fighting. I have been a competitive fighter for years and have yet to succumb to being provoked in to a street fight, even though I love to fight, in over 13 years. I told her that my self control allowed me to walk away. At the time I thought that was a sound argument. But I was wrong. The difference that I had not accounted for was a concept that I call being unconsciously monogamous vs. consciously monogamous. Let me explain.

When most people are younger we are taught that the institution of marriage is the ultimate form of intimacy and that’s what we all need to strive for. So as we are growing up we practice by having boyfriends and girlfriends and hone our skills at commitment and get all of our play time and experimentation out of the way because, of course, if we are ever going to be happy we have to be able to have successful marriages. So when we are in these relationships we look to the other person as a consistent supply of emotional security in general for women and sex for men. Well generally when we are younger we usually have a tough time consistently getting sex and emotional connections from the opposite sex. So when we actually get it we try to hang on to it as long as we can because we don’t know when or if we will ever find it again. When men have not developed a strong talent for attracting women consistently, they tend to conform society’s norms of monogamy because they look at it as a way to consistently have sex with minimal efforts on our part. Of course our emotions become attached because we like the girl. However, the lack the confidence or belief that we can as men consistently get laid if we want to holds us back too. This scarcity mindset in itself is both a reason to stay in a committed relationship and to cheat. A reason to stay because of a belief that you don’t think you will be able to achieve what you have consistently already. Its a reason to cheat because of a belief that you can’t pass up on any opportunity because you never know when it will happen again from another person outside of the relationship. I call this Unconscious monogamy because of our unconscious ability to create whatever we want to. Whether it is creating a one night stand with ease or as a woman to be able to attract anyone she wants with ease.

 But what if you didn’t have a scarcity mindset? What if you instead had an abundance mindset and believed that you can consistently create whatever you wanted when you wanted it? How would that affect your ability to remain monogamous?

 If in a way a scarcity mindset is a means to keep you in a relationship then what happens when that is taken out of the equation? Well…I gotta tell you it’s way more difficult than walking away from a fight. That’s for sure! You no longer have the mindset that you have to stay in a monogamous relationship because you don’t believe you can’t get something else as good if not better than what you have if things go downhill. You aren’t afraid to walk away. For that person it gets much more difficult. If you see someone that you are attracted to and a connection is created what is stopping you from making it happen? When I was put in that situation I would always check in to see what it was that was holding me back. What I personally noticed was obligation, love, and a lot of willpower. There was no longer fear of not ever finding someone that was as good as the person that I was with currently. So the urge was much stronger. What stopped me was my commitment to my girl and the fact that I didn’t need the other person. There is a huge difference here between want and need. The obligation to the commitment is what stopped me from going for what I wanted and to me that felt restrictive to my nature. So I had to be consciously monogamous at this point. Some would say that love alone would curb this urge that compels up to continue to form deep sexual/emotional connections with the opposite sex and if it is true for them then that is great. However, if we look beyond the traditional way of society, I believe for the greater masses there is going to be a level of obligation, which would lead to resentment of the other person.

 This begs the question that I will leave to you to consider. Do you believe that  monogamy or marriage the ultimate form of intimacy or is it just a niche of a plethora of other types of relationships we can ultimately truly be happy in?  More to come on this topic